Papa Hemingway's Secret Hamburger Recipe

The Wild West?

I'm a history nerd and when I see something like this I go nuts like Ernest...

What fascinates me is two things: (1) the level of detail of his instructions & (2) the multiple refinements to his recipe.  Some of them are repetitive like adding capers and soy - both a seriously damn good salt source.  Others baffle me like what in the hell is stanford ham?  But I'm gonna try to recreate it.  

Maybe the pursuit of the bestest burger is what drove Hemingway insane and towards an untimely death.  Or maybe he never wanted to be on a Guy Fieri game show in which his burgers were referred to as 'Banging'.   That'd test the moral fiber of any artist.

CBD

The Schtick of Chefs

Chefs are the new celebrities and as they should be given the vacuous vapid void that is reality TV programming (a few exceptions notwithstanding).  

They're creators and innovators at the cusp of culinary experiences and while I don't count myself a member of that coed and co-opted elite yet, I'm trying to.  

And I realize now that showmanship is a part of it so I need a schtick.  

The orange Crocs of Batali won't work.  Nor will any Crocs for that matter.  I'm a Berks kinda guy.  

Nor will the, je nai sais quoi, spikey white hair and reverse david caruso sunglasses head thing of Chef Fieri.  Jesus that's scary.

Nor can I ever attain Tony Bourdain's bad boy reputation in rapid time or come to quip with Ramsey's constant beratement of donkeys.  

No, even though I created an entirely original culinary concept, I need a schtick and I've been sketching it out all this week.  I'm a desperate man.

Behold - The Brittany Bearded Brow

If I shave my head and let my eyebrows, much like Hugh Acheson's unibrow, merge with my goatee, well then I got something special and television-worthy. Artist rendition nearby, although NSFW or Sesame Street.    

I'm like the Louis CK of chefs, self loathing but curiously entertaining and still in search of a schtick since the Brittany Bearded Brow has already been trademarked in 23 states and a little known country, Stanktopia.  

I guess I'll just have to keep making great food damnit!